Tag Archives: ttc
Fuck you! I’m an Anteater.
Fuck You! I'm an Anteater!
I hope everyone is having a fabulous National Infertility Awareness Week and that the infertility fairy has been good to you. Or at least decent. Or at least bought you a drink before spitting in your dreams.
I figured that since I have, as of last February graduated infertility to join the ranks of doting grandmother (if you are a new reader to this blog, well, I’m sorry. It’s sorta like join into Soap mid-seasson. You have a lot of catching up to do, but in the end, it will be totally worth it. In the mean time, use these cliff notes to catch up.)
But now that I’m a bitter old lady doting grandmother, with an active little Monkey lovingly waking me each morning with a karate chop to the neck (seriously. WTF kid?) I have no need for the Infertility Community. Right? I’m not cycling. I’m not hoping. I’m not involved.
Filed under Trying To Breed
Game Over
Game Over
Today is 7dp6dt. 13 days passed ovulation. I have been plagued with heartburn the last couple days. And heart palpitations. And the occasional dizziness. And sore boobs. And lots of nausea. And a crazy appetite.And peeing ALL the fucking time. I even had the tell tale change of scent in my lady city, and speaking of scent – I can smell my fridge from here every times it’s opened.
With shaking hands I pee’d on a first response. I snapped on the lid and set it upside down on the bathroom floor. I finished peeing and left to get a good luck sniff of Monkey.
I stared at the bathroom door.
I stared at the little stick.
I reminded myself that I would much rather get a BFN then have another miscarriage.
I reminded myself that I have one fabulous Monkey (who I really wish would nap again.)
I reminded myself that it was only 7dpt and that it was afternoon pee.
Filed under Trying To Breed
This is it people!
And now the screaming starts
Tomorrow I turn 43. And, unless something big happens in the next couple of hours, I will not have discovered the real answer to life, the universe and everything. I feel completely let down by Douglas Adams.
Tomorrow I also start my ovulation predictor kits for this final cycle. That’s not totally true. Because I’m a POAS addict, I pee’d on one today.
I am not ovulating.
Yet.
Hopefully, I will get a positive this weekend and everything will move forward as planned. A BFP in a couple weeks would be grand. But seriously, at this point, I’m just ready to be done.
Which totally means I will get a BFP and probably go through the long drawn out hell that will result in a miscarriage just like last time. My body seems to be rather insistent on reaping maximum heart break from this whole process.
Really wish I felt more positive going into this. I know bringing home a baby is a possibility. But so is winning the lottery.
Filed under Trying To Breed
Destination Unknown
Just a tinsy bit lost and confused
Well. This is it. Aunt Flo is here. The husband has had his pre-transfer freak out. The paperwork has been signed. Nothing can stop me from killing these embryos with my uterus. We are looking at doing the transfer on the 30th of January, give or take a couple days, as it is a natural cycle. Then, my TCC days will be behind me. That will be about 10 days after my 43rd birthday.
Oh good lord, how did I get to be so old? In my brain, I’m still the lost, confused, wondering what I’m going to do with myself, girl child who is trying to get her problem skin under control and figure out what to do with her hair.
No. Wait. I’m still all of that. I’m just now doing it in my early 40′s rather then my early 20′s. And now I have a zits on my wrinkles.
Oh, Balls.
Goal for 2012? Not to be mocked by my wii fit. Again.
PEP vitamins will help me unpack! Do they still sell those?
Last year, my goal was to be decent to myself. Coming off 2010 and my miscarriage at 12 weeks, a failed FET, a failed fresh cycle, and my Mr being let go of his job of 8 years, it was about all I could muster.
I wanted to start exercising – mainly because my wii-fit had mocked me. This year, I pulled the wii-fit out for my yearly check in, replaced the batteries that had started to ooze from neglect and stepped on. It made a grunty noise, but seems to think that I’ve lost a pound. Over the course of the last year.
I totally call that a win! Actually, losing a pound while doing a round of IVF and then a FET and getting pregnant and miscarrying is sort of a win. A sad, sad win.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
TTC Update
Attack of the Clusterfucks!
Today I received both a note from my Dr that my HCG is undetectable aaaand … a note from Enfamil congratulating me on my little one reaching it’s first birthday. Thanks assholes. I hadn’t even remembered that my former due date was coming up.
Next month is, if my body co-oporates, going to be our final transfer. I know I’ve said this before, but really and truly, this time is it. Next month I will also turn 43 and there is no way we can afford donor eggs. We will be happy with our Monkey and I will find something new to obsess over.
Like making the marketing people at Enfamil miserable.
Because this last cycle was so weird, I went ahead and bought some cheapie OPK and have been using them the last couple mornings to see if my body has started ovulating again. I should have started on Christmas Eve, but forgot, then Christmas was an exhausting clusterfuck of crazy, so I didn’t use one until the 26th. That should have been the day before I actually expected to ovulate and the line was super dark, but not as dark as the control line. The next day was also dark, but not as dark as the control line. Today the line was really light.
Filed under Trying To Breed
Seven Seven FAIL
Seven Seven FAIL
I laid in bed for twenty minutes after my bladder woke me. I debated just waiting until tomorrow for the beta to know the answer.
I just needed to end the suspense though.
And so I did.
You have never seen a pee stick so white.
Or maybe you have, and for that I’m sorry.
I laid in bed cuddling with Monkey afterwards for several hours. One of the bonuses of getting up at 5am, and having a pool party hung the fuck over toddler. I think after every BFN, I realize even more what a miracle he is. I’m going to be co-sleeping with him until he’s in high school. I’ll be the crazy mom staring at him while he sleeps when he comes home from college.
This cycle went swimmingly. I prepped my body for three months before transfer. No sugar, caffeine or booze. Mostly all organic. Hard core sumpliments and gym and meditation.
Filed under Trying To Breed
I’ve got questions about future barfing
i got no rhythm
Today was my 6th day of stims. If we include the Devils Drug, lupron, that means it’s the 17th day of shots. All together? 34 shots that I’ve given myself in my belly. So far all they’ve gotten me is bloated, irritable and a wee bit crazy.
At my first ultrasound Tuesday morning, we saw 6 follicles on each side tracking about the same -which is great news and pretty good for an oldie! But, I’m having a hard time being optimistic at this point. This whole cycle I’ve told myself that I’m hopeful, but trying not to get my hopes up. I’ve done everything I can, the wheat grass and the DHEA and the coQ10 and the cleansing… but when it comes down to brass tacks? I’m 42. The chances of this cycle working are pretty slim.
Which of course makes me feel like shit for pouring another pile of money (and several gift packages of donated meds) down the infertility hole of heartbreak and despair.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
PickyBritches on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayWe hide our BDSM lifestyle by doing things like using the miniblind handle as a whipper! You know, they just sort of pop right off the hook, don't make much noise, and sting like a mother fucker! Perfect! :D 
neeroc on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayV (5) was with me when that IG pic came across my timeline. I told her they were earrings *g* 
QueerieBradshaw on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayI wanted to post something about anal being outside of the box, but I couldn't come up with something funny enough. My life is thinking outside of the box. Including buying paddles with you at the place we aren't mentioning due to you not wanting to be sued. 
Mona Darling on A Rockin Parenting Fail.I got a new system. I'll post about how he out smarted me on that one soon. :-/