Tag Archives: Miscarriage
I spent all day yesterday remembering, but now knowing what to say. I remember. I can never forget. Little things remind me no matter how hard I try to ignore them. Pictures of my own baby can not be viewed without thinking of the baby that came after him. Would they have looked the same? Acted the same? Or completely different. How was I so blessed to have one so perfect, although a bit of a hand full at times … followed by two who tried to kill me, literally, and one who wouldn’t leave my womb long after it’s tiny heart had stopped beating. What was wrong with those two? What is wrong with me?
One of my biggest regrets? Missing so much of Monkey’s childhood as I tried, and failed, repeatedly, to give him a sibling. Days of bed rest instead of days at the zoo. Days of morning instead of days of enjoying what I have.
Finally. A week late. She rolls in like nothing is amiss.
I’ve never been so happy to see her. The PMS symptoms started on time a week or two ago. Especially the bloat and the crazy. Was pretty sure I was turning into fat elvis. Fat crazy Elvis.
I don’t even know what to say/think/feel at this point. I’m impressed that I was able to get pregnant AT MY AGE. Fuck. One more Dr uses the term advance maternal age, I’m gonna go postal. *I* am not old you pompous fuck, my eggs are prematurely napping. Now give me a baby. And no, using AMA does not help. It makes me feel the same way about you a I feel about kids these days using abbreviations for fucking everything. Lazy fucking bastards.
Blarg. Did I just say “get off my lawn” to two thirds of twitter? I guess I am old. Whatever. Give me a baby.
I’ve done a great job of keeping myself busy lately. Play dates, and writing about dirty talk and having a new friend over to drink WAY too many delicious Manhattans and talk about sex toys until well passed my bedtime. For the most part I’m just ignoring the upcoming Final Transfer in January. I really don’t expect it to work. I’ve seen too many negatives in the last two years and lost two babies. I just don’t feel like it’s in the cards for me.
And for the most part, at this point, I’m OK with it. I’m lucky that I have Monkey. I’m lucky that I had the three boys when I was a teen – although I was WAY to young and terrified to enjoy them.
Having Monkey stay an only child means that we can afford to give him a better education and travel with him. Having one is easier.
Such hollow words.
For the most part I’m going to try to keep all my posts regarding this miscarriage in same post – so if you are curious, check here. I’ll probably update it every day/every other day this week, then as needed. I wanted to keep everything in one place to help women who are going through it see a detailed account of what I went through. I know every woman is different, and every miscarriage is different, but this is what I am experiencing. I also wanted to force myself to blog about something else.
I’m participating in National Blog Posting Month and if I’m going to post every day for of a month where the first thing that happened to me that month is that I miscarried… eck. It could turn into a rather boring whiney blog.
I started this post as a private documentation of my miscarriage. It was a distraction from the waiting. But I decided to make it available for certain friends to follow since I wasn’t returning txt or phone calls, and other friends to follow so that I didn’t flood my twitter stream with morbid notes about my bodily fluids. Or lack there of. I have decided to leave it live for other woman who are suffering a miscarriage. While there are lots of places where woman have posted their experiences, none of them provided the level of detail I wanted to know. Most of them were a quick “I took this, then I started bleeding. It hurt, but then it was over.” I was terrified going into the weekend and having a first hand account like this would have helped me. I hope this can help someone else.
This is a good site to create an on-line memorial. It also has a lot of good resourses. It’s mainly about dying well, but I found some helpful stuff for respecting lost pregnancies as well. RememberWell.net
I didn’t know how I was going to deal with seeing my dead fetus on the ultrasound. Just seeing the Dr walk in and set down a brown prescription bottle brought tears to my eyes.
The Dr showed me the dark space along the side of the sac. “That’s blood. Not much though. Your body hasn’t quite caught one yet.” She measured and the little blueberry still measured 6 weeks 6 days. She said that my HCG did go up, but not nearly enough.
If you tuned in to read about something naughty, you can stop reading now. I would say come back in a week. Maybe two. It’s sorta sucky here in DCG Land.
I’m still waiting, the worst wait possible. With the two week wait there is hope. Even if things didn’t go perfectly, there is always a possibility that it will work and you will end up pregnant. In the two week wait between a BFP and your fist ultrasound, there is tons of hope, nervous hope, as you wonder if it will be one, or two healthy heart beats. There is a chance there will be no heart beat… but statistically speaking (fucking statistics) you have your BFP and you will see something growing in there. In the two weeks between your first and second ultrasound? Terror, but tons of hope.
Unless you are like me and realize that symptoms that were never that strong are waning. Bu still. There is hope.
Since I’m in dire need of a distraction from the fact that I am sitting in a house, alone, on a hill, with my 2 year old, and a dog who would sell me out for half a stale dog snack, waiting for a dead fetus to fall outta me, I have decided to join up with BlogHer’s Nationals Blog Posting Month celebration and post something here every single damn day.
See also: I now have an excuse to whine each and every mother fucking day on this blog about this miscarriage.
I mean. I will be forced to dig to the bottom of my email bin for the really twisted letters from passed clients.
I ended up 7 week update with the line…
“Maybe those girls on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant are telling the truth. Or? Maybe we won’t see anything at next weeks ultrasound. I’m equally prepared for both situations.”
The girls on I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant are dirty liars. I guess I knew, in my gut, that there was something wrong. The symptoms were there… but only sorta. They certainly weren’t getting stronger. They were just… there. I’d have bad days, then days where I felt totally normal. And I guess I knew that, for me? At 8 weeks pregnant? That was not how I should feel.
My 8 week ultrasound showed an abnormal sac with a 7 week fetus in it. No heartbeat. I did a blood draw today and will do another one Wednesday to make certain, but the OB said I should plan on seeing her on Friday if I’ve not started bleeding and that she will give me pills to help start the process.