Tag Archives: freaking out
Feelings
I'm pretty sure one of these fits. Just not sure which one. And it's subject to change. Abruptly.
Blarg. It’s been a week and I’m still trying to sort them out. The cold meds aren’t helping. I used to get a cold right after finals every semester. I guess this is pretty much the same thing. Big stress followed by big virus. And this time I was so stressed I cracked one of my brand new fancy white fillings, and now I need a crown. Oh Fab. More time at the dentist.
I’m sad I won’t be able to give Monkey a sibling. Although, realistically, he has a cousin, and several nieces and nephews that are his age. Even thought they are all a state away, we see them on holidays and quite often in the summer. And a couple months ago good friends of ours from the city bought a house down the street and we see them and their two small kiddies all the time. Monkey is not going to be lonely.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Game Over
Game Over
Today is 7dp6dt. 13 days passed ovulation. I have been plagued with heartburn the last couple days. And heart palpitations. And the occasional dizziness. And sore boobs. And lots of nausea. And a crazy appetite.And peeing ALL the fucking time. I even had the tell tale change of scent in my lady city, and speaking of scent – I can smell my fridge from here every times it’s opened.
With shaking hands I pee’d on a first response. I snapped on the lid and set it upside down on the bathroom floor. I finished peeing and left to get a good luck sniff of Monkey.
I stared at the bathroom door.
I stared at the little stick.
I reminded myself that I would much rather get a BFN then have another miscarriage.
I reminded myself that I have one fabulous Monkey (who I really wish would nap again.)
I reminded myself that it was only 7dpt and that it was afternoon pee.
Filed under Trying To Breed
Usually I love roller coasters
The Empty Sac
I’m a start up widow. My husband has been working on starting a company for the past year and about six weeks ago it took off. In that six weeks we have had three big important out of town weddings, a huge family reunion, a trip to Disneyland, Monkey fell and broke his collarbone, the frozen embryos transfer and the Mr has taken two week long work trips to NYC. He was in fact, gone when I did the FET. My mom, who is usually just 45 minutes away has been frantically getting her small urban farm ready so she can leave town for a month. She’s now gone.
I could go into more detail about house remodels and my own work, but I think you get the point. No rest for the wicked and I am obviously VERY wicked.
Filed under Knocked Up
Top Ten Reasons We Don’t Need Another Baby Anyway
Top Ten Reasons We Don't Need Another Baby Anyway.
So, tomorrow was supposed to be beta, but being 4th of July, my local lab is closed. I can travel an hour into the city and pay for our RE to do it, but since the in one of the very few things our insurance will pay, paltry as it is, we are waiting till Tuesday to get our beta. Since I pee’d on a stick last night (9dp3dt) and it was snow white, I don’t hold out much hope. I know, it was too early, and not first morning pee…. but I haven’t felt all the symptoms I did with Monkey, my boobs are no longer all that sore, I have had insomnia, instead of the dead to the world intense tiredness I had with Monkey almost immediately, I’m nauseous and can smell everything, but I have had that since I started the darling Pussy Paste.
Whatever. We have 5 snow babies. I’ll transfer them all in September. I’d transfer them sooner, but I have travel plans that would interfere in July and August.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Greetings from The Prison Rodeo!
Greetings from The Prison Rodeo!
It is the 7th day of my captivity. My captors say they will let me out early next week, but I’ve dealt with them before and I know, that’s bullshit.
I have two cell mates.
A small clingy one that can smell the fear in the air and it freaks him the fuck out. He has decided that the only way he can sleep is with one arm wrapped around my neck. Tightly. Every time I wake to pee, he wakes, and then by the time I get him back to sleep, I’ve remembered why he is back in our bed. I remember the prison. And then? I can’t go back to sleep.
There is a larger cell mate. He looks familiar. Like a man I used to date. We wavers between offering his support and reminding me that I was the one who landed us all here. He is fine with the prison, but irate that it bills out at the same rate as a resort. He spends most of his days running his tin cup back and forth over the bars of our cell demanding they lower the rates.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Wait. Does that say HOPE? Or NOPE?
Hope? or Nope?
When I started seeing my last RE I had just had blood work that showed a slightly elevated TSH. She tested it and it was indeed a bit high – 5, so she put me on synthroid. It would make me feel better and increase egg quality she said. Awesome. It did indeed make me feel better, but, um, the eqq quality statement is open for debate. She tested me a month later and it had gone down to 2.6 – about where it should be. Yay! Then last September, it was at 0.2. Getting a little low. I asked for it to be tested again during the last cycle in December and she agreed that it was very important. Then forgot to add it to my labs.
Every damn blood draw day.
So then I requested it be added to my beta labs. Of course. Oh, but, you do realize it will be a $25 charge. Are you sure you want it?
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
The Darkness
The Darkness
Depression. Not, unfortunately, the band.
Funny (ironic, not, unfortunately, hilarious) how one little thing can take you from “I think I’m doing OK” to sobbing. Or, in this case, two well timed things.
First. Aunt Flo arrived. My first real one post our final big fat fail of a final IVF. And she didn’t just arrive, she arrived with flair. A lot of flair. Spread out over 5 days. 5 days in which, like Ebenezer Scrooge I was visited by Every. Single. PMS Symptom. EVER. Usually it’s a day of cramps and bloating and the PMS trots and we move on with our lives. This time it was dragging out so badly that, had I ANY chance of being pregnant naturally, I might have actually pee’d on something.
Cramps. Check.
Bloating. Check.
Greasy skin. Check.
Gassy. Check.
Broken out. Check. Check. Check and… all mighty god, lookie that! Check!
Boobs swollen and tender. Boy howdy! CHECK!
Migraine. Check
Emotional. *sob* check.
Cranky? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT? um… check.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues.
Acceptance (but maybe still screaming a little bit in spots.)
still screaming a little bit in spots
Last night after my session (which was a combination service and whipping session and in itself made me feel better) I treated myself to a cleansing evening at the local Korean Spa. I sat in the heat and watched the parade of local naked girls walk by and realized a couple things.
First. We women come in a LOT of shapes and sizes. Not many of them Playboy ready.
- The adorable curvy girls who mentioned being from the Pacific Northwest and sported HUGE dark bushes to prove it.
- The skinny ass lil tattoo’d and shaved (yes, down there. No landing strip, no nothing) Suicide Girl types.
- The HUGE chicks. Both tall and… well. Just big. Two of them. Taking up most the hot tub. Making me feel very very small. They were sorta loud too.
- The tiny little asian girls who sat in the water with their towel wrapped around them. Can’t tell you much of what was under there. It was tiny, and I’m thinking pretty firm.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., The Spanking Factory
You Fake Mother Fucker
You Fake Mother Fucker
I have nausea something fierce.
I have indigestion.
I have HUGE sore boobs.
I have smell-o-vision.
I went to dinner last night (a real GROWN up dinner with real GROWN up conversation!) and could barely eat because I was so queasy. I took a sip of wine (after a toast. I had to!) and it instantly gave me heart burn.
I’ve been pregnant before. Several times. And these are all the same symptoms.
Yet?
I still have a white as the driven snow spot where I should have that second line. I’m tempted to show up and make them give me my beta so I can end the Fake Fucking Morning Sickness and the “maybe the test (The two batches of tests. From two different stores. It could [never] happen!)was wrong” that’s floating around in my head.
Beta tomorrow and then a thankful release from this progesterone hell. Time to start healing and losing some of this mother fucking IVF weight.
Fucker.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Slightly Over Analytical. Maybe.
Slightly Over Analytical. Maybe.
With beta growing near, and the daily POAS ritual already begun, I am analyzing every twinge, thought, smell and sensation. Would I normally smell that coffee so intensely? Were my boobs this sore from the PIO last cycle? Am I just tired from the PIO? The stress? Someone moving in? Where are the cramps? Last cycle I had horrible cramps the entire 2ww…. and then got a BFN. This cycle? A couple twinges. Now? Nothing. Why so thirsty? Why so dizzy? Why the heartburn? Why the intense need for cottage cheese? Surely these can’t all be from the PIO… but of course they can. And? It’s much to early to have any real pregnancy symptoms.
So far those evil lil sticks have been white as the pure driven snow. Well. The pee’d in snow. I’m getting nervous that they will never offer up that second pink line.
Fuckers.
Filed under Trying To Breed
nikkiana on These Balls Are Too BigI didn't have a great experience with the Smart Balls either. I found them to be too big, and I found a crack in the silicone on the pair I had a couple of days after I had them. However, I did like Lelo Luna Beads, which come with two sets of balls and a holder, super easy to clean... and also the Je Joue Ami balls, which has a set of three different ball types. 
PickyBritches on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayWe hide our BDSM lifestyle by doing things like using the miniblind handle as a whipper! You know, they just sort of pop right off the hook, don't make much noise, and sting like a mother fucker! Perfect! :D 
neeroc on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayV (5) was with me when that IG pic came across my timeline. I told her they were earrings *g* 
QueerieBradshaw on Thinking Outside The Box Give AwayI wanted to post something about anal being outside of the box, but I couldn't come up with something funny enough. My life is thinking outside of the box. Including buying paddles with you at the place we aren't mentioning due to you not wanting to be sued.