Category Archives: Random Fluffy Bits
YoHo! was, as we all suspected it would be, a blast. Because really, a gathering of sex positive ladies in Disneyland, and, if they have them, their kids? What is not to love. I’m fairly certain more then one person walked away going did… I just over hear what I THINK I over heard in line for Small World?
Because speaking in code over the kids heads, doesn’t always mean it’s over the heads of the guy in line behind you.
It was a fairly small group of women (both those in the sex industry, and some who were just sex positive and wanting to socialize with others of like mind) which made it a super intimate group. We tended to take off two by two for different rides or attractions (MUCH easier to do Disneyland that way) which meant lots of time to get to know each other, then met for a little relaxing and watching the kids run wild, before splitting off again. We all got to see past each others press and get to know the real person behind the reputation.
If you follow me on twitter (you all follow me on twitter, right?) you probably saw a lot of this fly by over the weekend, but I thought I would post a wrap up and give a shout out to a couple of my favorite things.
They are like Oprah’s favorite things, but generally with more strippers and booze. Which just so happens to be a couple of Portland’s favorite things, which is why we get along so splendidly.
And it’s not JUST a random stripper fest. This was a trip to celebrate our 15th anniversary, which we were told is the Crystal year. So, we had to go look for her. But we kept forgetting to ask their names. Which is pretty much means we just travelled around Portland breaking $20′s for $1′s and distributing them to all the pretty girls.
We did our best. I apologize if you did not get yours.
Or, if you got yours and you have no idea why some drunk chick stumbled up and stuck a dollar in your back pocket. That was why. She thought you were pretty.
The ability to think outside the box is the corner stone of professional domination.
I would meet with someone. Often someone I had never met. Through a series of phone calls, emails and an application, would have a good idea of their interests, hopes and goals for our time together. We would negotiate all the interests. We would negotiate all the limits. We would negotiate the roles.
When we would meet for the first time, usually at the door of my dungeon, I would take the lead and try to give them a memorable, amazing experience. How do you do that after negotiating all of these activities ad nauseam? By thinking outside of the box. By taking what they expect and twisting it.
Even kidnapping scenes can be pre negotiated, then made memorable and surprising by employing a friend to take them out from behind as they enter the dungeon while shoving a nail polish scented rag over their face. Tie them up and slowly paint their lips with cinnamon lip plumper and as it starts to burn and tingle, tell them that it is something that is going to wipe their memory clean so that you can create the perfect slave.
Everything was going just fucking fine, until I said those magic words.
“Everyone I know has been super sick this winter, and I’ve been fine!”
Karma laughed so hard she peed her pants a little. Then she gave me that “I think I have a cold, although it could just be bad allergies.
For a week.
Then I felt like I was getting better for two days. I was almost back to my previously smug “I’m too healthy to get sick” when I suddenly felt like I’d been hit by a big fucking Karma delivery truck hauling an over sized load of Bitch Slap.
The Mr was working late, so when I put Monkey to bed, I dosed myself with vitamin C, Theraflu, melatonin and, just to make sure I slept long and hard, a small sip of NyQuil.
I crawled in bed with Monkey at 8:30, piling on an extra couple couple of blankets to see if I could sweat out the cold in the night. Monkey and I read a book and sang a song and I passed out by 9pm – probably before he did.
48 Days Free of Arguments About What I Bought At Target.
Every month when my husband is going over our budget I hear the same thing from his office. “Jesus Christ?! What exactly do they sell at Target?”
My reply is the stock, “Well, I went in to get *insert $10 item* but they were having a sale and then I found stuff in the clearance, plus I had that 5% off coupon from filling prescriptions so I thought it would be a good time to stock up on some other stuff we may or may not need. Plus, it’s cheaper then therapy.”
This exchange is generally followed by the sound of his head hitting the keyboard accompanied by some quiet weeping.
But, he forgets that, were I not able to waste hours in Target, that day I needed to have the car worked on? And it was cold out? Ok. Slightly chilly, but still. Monkey and I would have been stuck shivering at the park for fours hours and instead, we were snug and warm in Target, eating popcorn and looking at toys and kitchen stuff. And that was the day I found the new fabulous blanket!
This is a txt exchange between myself and the lovely @QueeieBradshaw after my first pole dance class. She obviously loves and supports me.
When I told my sister, her response was “Ooh! Sexy!”
Sure. If your idea of sexy is a doughy Lucille Ball trying desperately to climb a pole while a crowd of shocked strangers watch on in horror, then yes. Sexy. Extremely.
I have always admired strippers for their athleticism. My friends and I have a rule. If you are at the rail, you must tip every time a stripper does a pole trick. But people. I had no idea. You place your knee against the pole. You smile in the mirror, lift your chest, stick your boobs out, and slowly, with much grace and sensuality, pull your lard ass up the pole. Using all your noodle arms. Then squeeze your legs around the pole, let go with your hands, yes, holding on with nothing but your, now screaming, bruised inner thighs, grab higher and pull yourself up again. Rinse and repeat.
During the TinkerBell Half Marathon Weekend, there are two races, the TinkerBell Half and the NeverLand 5k. I did the NeverLand 5k.
So basically, I did something I said I would never do unless someone was chasing me with a knife, at an hour I’m really not acquainted with. Especially from the front end.
And it was super duper fun!
While we were waiting, there were Pirates to taunt us. And to start the race! Fireworks! (Bet the people who live in the area LOVE the 5am fireworks!)
The NeverLand 5k is a fun run. It’s just over three miles, much of it behind the scenes of Disneyland. Most people were in costume and many walked. There were lots of characters to have your picture taken with, although the lines were too long for me to want to stand, freezing, to wait my turn.
It is with a heavy heart that I must tell you, that gluten and I are breaking up. I should have seen the signs ages ago, but, like any girl who finds kneeling bread and rolling out noodles therapeutic, I ignored the signs. Surely, everyone has daily upset tummies and who needs to poop more then a couple times a week? Bloating can be sexy. Right?! And…
Wait. What was I saying?
Oh yeah, a bad memory can be sort of fun. It’s like LOOK! Everyday can be Easter!
Now where’s my phone? And my keys? And my phone?
Realistically, we are just taking a break. I think we will get together for a therapeutic croissant the beginning of February and see if we can work things out, and I foresee a little late night breakup n(c)ookie over the holidays.
Truthfully though, I feel like gluten has been trying to tell me something for years, and I, like a bunny boiling stalker have just not taken the hint.