Category Archives: Trying To Breed
Destination Unknown
Just a tinsy bit lost and confused
Well. This is it. Aunt Flo is here. The husband has had his pre-transfer freak out. The paperwork has been signed. Nothing can stop me from killing these embryos with my uterus. We are looking at doing the transfer on the 30th of January, give or take a couple days, as it is a natural cycle. Then, my TCC days will be behind me. That will be about 10 days after my 43rd birthday.
Oh good lord, how did I get to be so old? In my brain, I’m still the lost, confused, wondering what I’m going to do with myself, girl child who is trying to get her problem skin under control and figure out what to do with her hair.
No. Wait. I’m still all of that. I’m just now doing it in my early 40′s rather then my early 20′s. And now I have a zits on my wrinkles.
Oh, Balls.
Goal for 2012? Not to be mocked by my wii fit. Again.
PEP vitamins will help me unpack! Do they still sell those?
Last year, my goal was to be decent to myself. Coming off 2010 and my miscarriage at 12 weeks, a failed FET, a failed fresh cycle, and my Mr being let go of his job of 8 years, it was about all I could muster.
I wanted to start exercising – mainly because my wii-fit had mocked me. This year, I pulled the wii-fit out for my yearly check in, replaced the batteries that had started to ooze from neglect and stepped on. It made a grunty noise, but seems to think that I’ve lost a pound. Over the course of the last year.
I totally call that a win! Actually, losing a pound while doing a round of IVF and then a FET and getting pregnant and miscarrying is sort of a win. A sad, sad win.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
To MILF, or not to MILF
The Experienced MILF
So, one of my besties is dating a good friend of my husbands and last night we were all hanging out when this very serious conversation came up. I hope you can help us come to an answer.
For you see, they know think they want kids. Someday. But just not… you know.. right now. So they are getting ready to do IVF to create some embryos that they will transfer at a later date when they are ready. It’s called fertility preservation and it’s a pretty interesting idea for those of us who are/were too busy doing other things to breed during those official breeding years.
So the question is… when does she obtain MILF status? When she has embryos? Or when she has an actual baby. I’m thinking she obtains it as soon as the Han Solo quintuplets hit the freezer. What do you think?
EDITED TO ADD:
Filed under Trying To Breed
TTC Update
Attack of the Clusterfucks!
Today I received both a note from my Dr that my HCG is undetectable aaaand … a note from Enfamil congratulating me on my little one reaching it’s first birthday. Thanks assholes. I hadn’t even remembered that my former due date was coming up.
Next month is, if my body co-oporates, going to be our final transfer. I know I’ve said this before, but really and truly, this time is it. Next month I will also turn 43 and there is no way we can afford donor eggs. We will be happy with our Monkey and I will find something new to obsess over.
Like making the marketing people at Enfamil miserable.
Because this last cycle was so weird, I went ahead and bought some cheapie OPK and have been using them the last couple mornings to see if my body has started ovulating again. I should have started on Christmas Eve, but forgot, then Christmas was an exhausting clusterfuck of crazy, so I didn’t use one until the 26th. That should have been the day before I actually expected to ovulate and the line was super dark, but not as dark as the control line. The next day was also dark, but not as dark as the control line. Today the line was really light.
Filed under Trying To Breed
The Bitch is Back
The Bitch Is Back
Finally. A week late. She rolls in like nothing is amiss.
I’ve never been so happy to see her. The PMS symptoms started on time a week or two ago. Especially the bloat and the crazy. Was pretty sure I was turning into fat elvis. Fat crazy Elvis.
I don’t even know what to say/think/feel at this point. I’m impressed that I was able to get pregnant AT MY AGE. Fuck. One more Dr uses the term advance maternal age, I’m gonna go postal. *I* am not old you pompous fuck, my eggs are prematurely napping. Now give me a baby. And no, using AMA does not help. It makes me feel the same way about you a I feel about kids these days using abbreviations for fucking everything. Lazy fucking bastards.
Blarg. Did I just say “get off my lawn” to two thirds of twitter? I guess I am old. Whatever. Give me a baby.
Filed under Trying To Breed
My state of mind
My state of mind
I’ve done a great job of keeping myself busy lately. Play dates, and writing about dirty talk and having a new friend over to drink WAY too many delicious Manhattans and talk about sex toys until well passed my bedtime. For the most part I’m just ignoring the upcoming Final Transfer in January. I really don’t expect it to work. I’ve seen too many negatives in the last two years and lost two babies. I just don’t feel like it’s in the cards for me.
And for the most part, at this point, I’m OK with it. I’m lucky that I have Monkey. I’m lucky that I had the three boys when I was a teen – although I was WAY to young and terrified to enjoy them.
Having Monkey stay an only child means that we can afford to give him a better education and travel with him. Having one is easier.
Such hollow words.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Twitter Friends
My new Cock n Balls
I’m going to take a night off from my Dirty Talk series to send a thank you to the Infertility Community on twitter, especially one person – @_alethea_. How does that old saying go? Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies, but true blue friends trek down to VooDoo Donuts and send you a cock n balls in the mail to cheer you up after you have a miscarriage. Because nothing says ‘I’m sorry you are having a sucky week,’ like chocolate frosting covered, cream filled cock n balls arriving in your mailbox.
Absolutely nothing.
The twitter community has simply been amazing this last couple weeks. No matter what time of day or night, someone is there to offer a kind word or distract me with talk of reality tv. I can’t image going through such a traumatic event without you guys. Or, on the other hand, celebrating.
I’m so very thankful that Al Gore gave us the internet so that now, woman can offer and receive the support they need.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Pack your bags! We’re going on a guilt trip!
Pack your bags! We're going on a guilt trip!
I didn’t know how I was going to deal with seeing my dead fetus on the ultrasound. Just seeing the Dr walk in and set down a brown prescription bottle brought tears to my eyes.
The Dr showed me the dark space along the side of the sac. “That’s blood. Not much though. Your body hasn’t quite caught one yet.” She measured and the little blueberry still measured 6 weeks 6 days. She said that my HCG did go up, but not nearly enough.
Filed under Knocked Up, Trying To Breed
Chickenpig2 on D is for DominationYou are definitely as much a therapist as a sex worker, although being a therapist would require investing in a whole new wardrobe, not to mention an office with a trickling water feature, soft new agey music, and maybe a fish tank. 
braving_ivf on D is for DominationProof of how complicated we all are. Physical/emotional/mental stuff all collides sometimes. I'm confident they both felt well taken care of, even if it wasn't exactly how they expected to be taken care of when they arrived. 
tzzw on D is for DominationI'm not kidding: 80% of my sessions are like this. Self care! Have fun at Disneyland! :) 
dipitie on D is for DominationWow. You really do have a tough job. You are closer to a therapist than you are a sex worker. 
Lynn Lacroix on The Other Women: Lynn Lacroix, part deuxThanks for sharing my story again, Mona! It's funny. I wrote it, but I still get turned on reading it.