Just a tinsy bit lost and confused
Well. This is it. Aunt Flo is here. The husband has had his pre-transfer freak out. The paperwork has been signed. Nothing can stop me from killing these embryos with my uterus. We are looking at doing the transfer on the 30th of January, give or take a couple days, as it is a natural cycle. Then, my TCC days will be behind me. That will be about 10 days after my 43rd birthday.
Oh good lord, how did I get to be so old? In my brain, I’m still the lost, confused, wondering what I’m going to do with myself, girl child who is trying to get her problem skin under control and figure out what to do with her hair.
No. Wait. I’m still all of that. I’m just now doing it in my early 40′s rather then my early 20′s. And now I have a zits on my wrinkles.
Oh, Balls.
I think I’m finally ready, no matter what the outcome coughcoughBFNcoughcoughcough of this cycle to move on. Only, I’m a bit unsure as to where. My career is …. sleepy. I’ve not done anything to keep it up. I always figured I would sort of work till I had another baby, then formally retire. Now what? Work more? Or give up and be a stay at home mom? It’s not like the small amount of money I make is going to make or break us and I certainly don’t want to start working full time again.
I’ve drifted from most of my friends. It’s so hard to try to talk to them about IF stuff and be greeted with blank stares. I talk more to my invisible twitter friends then my IRL friends most days, because we have infertility and TTC in common. Now that I’m done with that … who do I talk to? Who are my friends? It’s going to be hard to be on twitter and watch everyone move on without me… But then again, I have to stick around and see what happens! It’s just going to be hard.
I guess I can go back to my real life friends and be all, Hey! I’m done with that silly baby thing! What is everyone talking about these days? But realistically, it will probably be their careers and I’ll still have nothing to talk to them about.
They’d be all Yes I blah blah blah doubled projections blah resource blah promotion blah blah interm blah spreadsheet blah blah…
And I’d be all Monkey pooped on the floor.
*blank (slightly disgusted) stares*
I could start another business. I have other skills. But …. Work. Hmm. I’m not sure I’m down with that whole work thing at this time. Especially the amount of work it takes to get a new business off the ground. We already have one person in this family in the midst of that.
I could just quit the Mistress gig all together and be a stay at home mom and work on my new years resolution of unpacking and write and spend time with Monkey… But that seems too crazy decadent after having 25 projects going on for so long.
And not having anything to obsess about just isn’t my thing.
I wish I was the kind of person who could obsess about unpacking and losing weight. Is there a supplement I can take to increase that? DHEA? Wheat grass? Royal jelly? CoQ10? (Infertility humor always slays me.)
Maybe I should work on the book? But I’m enjoying the blog and the community and the immediate feedback it offers. Maybe I should work on that.
If you made it to the bottom of this post, I owe you a little something for your wasted time. Like a picture of my boobs.
My greatest fear about my next/last cycle is the 'What next?' part of the equation. Even if I should by some miracle get pregnant and stay pregnant, afterwords my life is still waiting there. I deep sixed my career by staying home to try and have kids and then raise the kids (not by choice, my department disappeared while I was on maternity leave). Now it is too late for me to get back on that particular track. I have lost all of my friends, pretty much, and I feel like I will be in my 20's again after college, starting from the beginning. *sigh* At least you have one person who knows exactly what you are going through :) Best of luck for this cycle. I wish I was cycling with you.
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