Monthly Archives: July 2010
Not the Rollercoaster I Wished For
Not the Rollercoaster I Wished For
I can’t believe today is two weeks since I came home from the hospital after the miscarriage. While the inlaws where here, it was hard to think about anything except surviving the 9 day onslaught of terror and bickering. The first two days they where gone we were quietly euphoric. But this morning I woke up totally depressed. Again.
Today was the day I needed to go drop my request of with the clinic and the ER to transfer my records to my OB for our appointment on Friday. Not that any of it will answer any questions, but, you never know.
I thought I would feel good about moving forward, but instead it was just crushing to re-live it all through filling out the forms.
Also, last night right before I went to bed I recieved another email from the woman I befriended at the clinic who is pregnant with twins. She gave her condolences and really wrote such a sweet letter, but it was another reminder, because she is only 5 days behind me.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Oh, The Humiliation
Female Supremacy
In my line of work, I deal with requests for humiliation all the time. Erotic, verbal, physical, or psychological, such as racial, religious and occasionally financial. But even the most hard core submissive has limits – as well as hot buttons. Before we play, these are discussed at length. After 15 years, I know what questions to ask when people say they are into humiliation. Do they want to be talked down to because they don’t deserve to be in the presence of such a beautiful women as myself ;-}~ . Or yelled at for an imagined faux pas. Maybe they need to hear me laugh at their small penis, or their desire to lick the bottom of my shoes.
And who am I as I enact this humiliation? Am I their boss who has found porn on their company computer or panties in their desk drawer. Or a female supremacist with a new, untrained slave? Their mother? Their wife? Their high school sweetheart? Teacher? Nun?
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., The Spanking Factory
If the inlaws don’t kill me, my big mouth will.
My Big Mouth
Today was actually ok. They fought. We rolled our eyes. DaddyO and I snuck off for a little mommy and daddy time. NookieNookie! And basically, we started to get downright giddy about the fact that the visit is Almost Over. They even left and went back to their hotel early!
We may indeed survive yet another visit from Them.
I put Monkey to bed, sit down to work on my blog (cause, I may stick around and if I am, I need to pretty the joint up) and Boom. What lands in my inbox? An email from a women I used to talk to at the clinic. She is answering my email from May, telling me congrats for my positive beta, and that she’s been tired because she’s now pregnant with twins.
Uhg.
I am very happy for her, but it’s one more person I have to pull on my big girl pants for, try not to cry, and talk to about the miscarriage.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Carnival of Nursing In Public
Nursing in Public
Lately, so many of my friends have had issues breastfeeding their newborns. I feel lucky, that not only was I able to breastfeed after all the breast surgery I’ve had, and that he didn’t have a latching problem, my supply was OK etc, but also, that I didn’t lose my supply because of the miscarriage or the 4 days away from him recouping.
Perhaps the reason I had an easy time of it at the beginning was because I’m lazy and all I wanted to do was curl up with him and cuddle and breastfeed. I was paranoid about nipple confusion, so didn’t try a pacifier until 6 weeks, at which point he didn’t have any interest. Oops. I was also terrified that I wouldn’t have a good enough supply, so breastfed on demand – which ended up bring CONSTANTLY. Seriously. I think Monkey was 3 months old before I could make it through a shower without him losing it.
Filed under The Little Monkey
Bonus Torment
Or as a friend just asked… Did you kick a dog recently?
Friday, four days after our miscarriage my inlaws showed up for a long planned visit. Worst. Timing. Ever.
Or maybe not. It’s hard to dwell on your own problems when two people are sitting in your family room bickering. Loudly.
Really. Every time they leave DaddyO and I wonder why they stay together. They make themselves and everyone around them misserable.
We didn’t want to deal with discussing the miscarriage with them when they arrived, so called DaddyO’s brother and had him call.
Chicken shit, I know.
Thankfully they’ve not really asked any questions and for the most part I’ve been able to escape to the kitchen, with the excuse that it’s really too small for two chefs and cook two meals a day for everyone in peace.
Of course, she’s not one for peace, so will do things like walk into the kitchen, announce that the sippy cup of milk DaddyO just gave monkey smells sour and dump the milk on the freshly washed veggies.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues.
Sushi and Cocktails and Rollercoasters, Oh Why!
Sushi and Cocktails and Rollercoasters, Oh Why!
When you are pregnant, no matter how much you wanted to be pregnant, you can’t help but look at the hormonal acne and the bloat and sigh. I really want a baby, but WHY does it have to come with all these lovely side effects? In fact, I want a baby so much I did IVF, which, in addition to the stupid high price, makes all the fun side effects (except the horniness, damnit) more intense.
And no matter how much you are looking forward to the sweet lil baby at the end of the acne, you also miss your life. You know, sushi, cocktails, rollercoasters, yummy imported soft cheeses, eating anything off the menu you want without having to clarify things with the waiter, walking up hills without hearing your heart pounding in your ears…..
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues., Trying To Breed
Back. For the moment.
I had given up this blog and returned to a previous personal one. It was nice for a bit. I wrote fairly openly about ourIVF and other issues and although all my friends know the URL, most no longer read it because it had been left alone for so long.
It was like returning to an old familier bar. Occaionally you run into an old friend, but for the most part I was able to sit and think in a familier place in relative quiet.
But eventually, people check in. And it’s NEVER the people you want to check in. After a couple hello’s from friends, I had a client find it. He had been a client for a long time, we had traveled together and he knew my real name and because I felt comfortable with him, I let my guard down and he began following my blog ages ago. Now? He’s jealous of my home life, having issues in his own, and started txting and emailing about things I’d written on my blog. Fun! Then another long lost personal submissive commented. Then I wondered if those two had found me, who else was out there.
Filed under Issues. We All Have Issues.
Chickenpig2 on D is for DominationYou are definitely as much a therapist as a sex worker, although being a therapist would require investing in a whole new wardrobe, not to mention an office with a trickling water feature, soft new agey music, and maybe a fish tank. 
braving_ivf on D is for DominationProof of how complicated we all are. Physical/emotional/mental stuff all collides sometimes. I'm confident they both felt well taken care of, even if it wasn't exactly how they expected to be taken care of when they arrived. 
tzzw on D is for DominationI'm not kidding: 80% of my sessions are like this. Self care! Have fun at Disneyland! :) 
dipitie on D is for DominationWow. You really do have a tough job. You are closer to a therapist than you are a sex worker. 
Lynn Lacroix on The Other Women: Lynn Lacroix, part deuxThanks for sharing my story again, Mona! It's funny. I wrote it, but I still get turned on reading it.